anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
