Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
