i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
