How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
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