My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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