That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
