Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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