you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
