I could make wine with my vomit
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
