I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
