I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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