i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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