if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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