Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I want to stick my p in your. b.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
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