And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
I love us.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions