maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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