I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I feel like death gave me a hand job
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
