did you get engaged???
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I just wanna be euthanized