How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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