Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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