i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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