wake up i wanna do it froggy style
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
