She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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