By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
ttyl tear gas
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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