I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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