I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
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Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
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I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize