He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Enjoy the penises
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
