just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
