Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
