my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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