Do you still have your period?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Randomize
