I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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