I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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