I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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