I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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