The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
