I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
