I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
