We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
