Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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