My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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