I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
We have so much sex to catch up on
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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