Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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