my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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