he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
