i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
