She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
