2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
