Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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