the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
he just fucked me for my cheese.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
