new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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