Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
