if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
He felt like a one man threesome
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
