Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I want a musical about memes.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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