alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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