I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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