it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
