How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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