i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
