I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
